A Beast for Thee

Hello friends out in cyberspace. How's this look through your fancy new electronic internet browsing device? Smartphone? More like jerkphone am I right? Can I get an amen? No? Why not? Well that's just racist. I should have expected more. What's Swirly up to these days? He inherited the family farm, and has been seen gallivanting with the banker's daughter. Just kidding, his daughter married the banker's son, a rich boy with a strong upbringing I tell you. You should have seen him running through town like a banshee on the night his daughter was born. He flew into the forest like a deer in a rainstorm screaming for god to bring him a son. You see, he had been picturing himself as a sort of King Saul, afraid a Goliath was going to take his land away. His family worked hard for that land. What he needed was a David. Flash-forward through his daughter's miserable life, and see that she had a son called David. Now David was a pretty decent boy, with a penchant for shooting small animals with a little wooden, rubber-sling device. Foreshadowing, right? Well you know how the story goes. Swirly brings the child back to the same place in the forest with a sacrificial lamb and strips away his humanity as he appeals to the lord above to bless him and his David, offering an innocent lamb as a little bargaining tool to be a shoe-in when it comes to the whole farm business. God, being a vegetarian, tells the child to fear Swirly, not that he needed any external coercion. The child runs like the girl at the end of Texas Chainsaw, and sees Swirly chasing after him with the ceremonial blade in his hand. He has a mouth, and he chooses to scream, and then David shoots Swirly square in the head with a rock using his primitive device. Quite funny, huh? What? You read this before? Well did you know that this all took place within a supercomputer? What? Harland Williams from Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary? It's pretty quiet in here with just the two of us. ME and your interior monologue. There's really never any escape from here. You'll just keep reading this, and then thinking your own thoughts. There's never any escape. That's why Kurt Cobain dated that skanky whore for long enough for her to plan his suicide so that he could simultaneously be a martyr and not actually commit the act of suicide, reserving his place at God's throne. That song playing? Well it's over now.