What is love?

Baby don't hurt me

Castor/Pollux

Well well well, if it isn't Minos and Rhadamanthus. How are things going? Hot enough for you? Ha ha... Disingenuine? No, that was a real laugh all right. Well that's just your opinion. Well yeah, I mean hell could totally be cold, too. Hell could be cold for most of the year, but get hot on certain days. Hell could be not turning the heat on unless it's snowing. Hell could be 4 extravagant meals per day, with rest cure in between. Hell could be the absence of a personal bond with almost everyone you live with. Hell could be seeing someone you pity and not being able to stop yourself from becoming just like that person. Hell could be getting used to not getting used to things. Hell could be no religion, no personal possessions, no humanity. Hell could be anonymous and communal. Hell could be using violence as an answer to the unanswerable question. Hell could be never loving someone more than you love yourself. Hell could be loneliness. Hell could be sacrificing your own immortality to save your dying brother. Hell could be the place that all must pass through to reach our potential. Eternity can pass in the blink of an eye. As days become similar, the differentiation between yesterday, today, and tomorrow blurs completely (lest we mention overmorrow). Past, present, and future all become one and we realize that time is mostly noticed by measurements that man created.

Swirly's Soliloquy on Food Lion

What's the deal with Food Lion. I have so many questions. Like: Is this a lion made out of food? Is it just a lion that likes food? Because I think that's all lions. Actually, it's probably one of the most defining characteristics of a lion. That it will eat greedily when given the chance. Now, whether or not the name is redundant or nonsensical, imagine a Food Lion. Would you go around taking food from a lion that is so hungry and food-obsessed that it puts the word food in its name? I'm not sure he (or she) would be very interested in these sorts of transactions. Lions can't do much with money, they mostly just like food. Your favorite scenario, where you go to the Food Lion to buy food, doesn't make any sense. Why would a lion trade off its food for currency. A lion doesn't need a convertible sofa or collectible Pokemon cards. Can you imagine a lion in skinny jeans or driving a Chevy Impala? The horror! He would rather kill an impala and then wear its skin as it runs down your street screaming 'Oo look at me I'm a big bad impala'. An argument could be made that the lion is saving all money to buy up land and create a private savannah, with a state of the art security team to thwart poachers. If he actually tried to retire though, he would never make it. He has created a demand for his food. Now that people need it, they would track him down to his private savannah and demand his food. Where does this leave our lion? Killing the people that made his private savannah dream possible in the first place? Hardly seems moral. But when have lions been moral. Especially a Food Lion guarding his food (and private savannah). This doesn't even touch on the fact that lions don't care much for vegetables and would probably not know anything about choosing a good tomato. Why would I go to him for produce?

This is really taking a lot for granted. More realistically, you would approach said lion for food and he would eat you because you are also food. Ah! Maybe it's somewhere for other lions to go. Perhaps the Food Lion is just a lion that is a master at collecting food and he shares his spoils with his hungry lion friends. This would definitely not make me want to shop. Hungry lions as customers? Food Lion, let me know when you're ready, because I've got some questions.

A Beast for Thee

Hello friends out in cyberspace. How's this look through your fancy new electronic internet browsing device? Smartphone? More like jerkphone am I right? Can I get an amen? No? Why not? Well that's just racist. I should have expected more. What's Swirly up to these days? He inherited the family farm, and has been seen gallivanting with the banker's daughter. Just kidding, his daughter married the banker's son, a rich boy with a strong upbringing I tell you. You should have seen him running through town like a banshee on the night his daughter was born. He flew into the forest like a deer in a rainstorm screaming for god to bring him a son. You see, he had been picturing himself as a sort of King Saul, afraid a Goliath was going to take his land away. His family worked hard for that land. What he needed was a David. Flash-forward through his daughter's miserable life, and see that she had a son called David. Now David was a pretty decent boy, with a penchant for shooting small animals with a little wooden, rubber-sling device. Foreshadowing, right? Well you know how the story goes. Swirly brings the child back to the same place in the forest with a sacrificial lamb and strips away his humanity as he appeals to the lord above to bless him and his David, offering an innocent lamb as a little bargaining tool to be a shoe-in when it comes to the whole farm business. God, being a vegetarian, tells the child to fear Swirly, not that he needed any external coercion. The child runs like the girl at the end of Texas Chainsaw, and sees Swirly chasing after him with the ceremonial blade in his hand. He has a mouth, and he chooses to scream, and then David shoots Swirly square in the head with a rock using his primitive device. Quite funny, huh? What? You read this before? Well did you know that this all took place within a supercomputer? What? Harland Williams from Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary? It's pretty quiet in here with just the two of us. ME and your interior monologue. There's really never any escape from here. You'll just keep reading this, and then thinking your own thoughts. There's never any escape. That's why Kurt Cobain dated that skanky whore for long enough for her to plan his suicide so that he could simultaneously be a martyr and not actually commit the act of suicide, reserving his place at God's throne. That song playing? Well it's over now.