Open Letter From Walter F. Test

To whom it may concern,

This is Walter Test, founder of test.com, my family's long-standing monogrammed towel website. We were one of the first sites on the internet, knowing that my father's cousins children, the rat bastard egg suckers, would try to take the name first. By a narrow margin we got the exclusive license, and we were able to set up shop at Test.com. After nearly twenty years of hard work, busting my ass clicking boxes and pressing delete, I have to come out and say it: Stop using my email address to sign up for your dumb shit!

Everytime I log on to my email, which is simply mylastname@mylastname.com, instead of compliments regarding our high-quality line of custom-monogrammed towels, I am plagued by thousands of emails confirming accounts to some site called redtube. Figuring it was my cousin Red's video site chronicling his alfalfa sprout farm, I rushed over, only to find a bunch of depraved humans spraying bodily fluid around like champagne after a NASCAR race. Moreover, not one of the videos on the site features a single towel worth anything. Mostly shabby hotel-grade cloths that look like sandpaper compared to our latest luxury line, ToWell.

My son came up with the name, bless his little heart. He's not the brightest bulb in the house, but he's my little buddy. I remember the first time I toweled his slimy body. It was our very first line, the Dry Guy. Made of 100% polyester, it made a man out of you.

Tomorrow when I log into my email, I don't want to be inundated with emails confirming subscriptions to tofu recipe sites, anti-duck pills, dick pills, Steve Buscemi fanclub emails, or the latest lotion by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Please, no more emails about dog manicures, amazon wishlists that consist of nothing but Jennifer Love Hewitt lotions and boxes of tissues, flashy pens, and offers for a free trip to a third world country I've never heard of. And if I see one more email inviting me to try out Jared Fogle's new website, I swear to the good lord Jesus I will find you and give you the hardest rat tail you ever got. I will come to your house with our cheapest towel and give you the Indian Rug Burn of a lifetime. I mean it, no more user accounts to fannyticklers.com. Seriously!

Like my home towel says, WTF?


Sincerely,
Walter F. Test
Founder, test.com